One of my biggest challenges in meditating is remembering everything that happens during an individual practice. A somewhat “not the point” of meditation, my intention in remembering what I experience is so I can actually take it and practice it in my daily life. If I don’t do so, what’s the point of meditating?
Being a strong believer in the philosophy that conscious and unconscious belief systems rule much of our behavior, part of the reason why I meditate is so I can bring this material into consciousness. In doing so, the hope is to free myself from being ruled by the negative belief systems that formed much earlier in my life. Was it a result of my upbringing or maybe some kind of karmic debt I’m now paying off, the reasons don’t really mater. The point is, that I have a bunch of behaviors that continue to sabotage my happiness, my relationships, and my fun and I don’t like it!
Codependency is one of those behaviors. Sometimes masked as a well intentioned desire to help someone in need. At other times a tool that I use to keep people in relationships with me (wow that was honest). The problem with codependency for me is that it is a space where I give up a conscious relationship with myself. That is, my needs and my power. All of it in service of getting something from the other person.
Now listen, to some extent we are all codependent. That said, I’d rather be conscious of being codependent so at least I can choose just how far codependent I want to be.
Following is a journal entry about a codependent realization from this morning’s meditation (note: sometimes I like to meditate at work before people arrive – sometimes it doesn’t work out that way):
Amazing colors, bubbles, space, stars. Like I am being taught that my center is “the” center and how when I lose sight of it I get sick (I get dizzy).
Then I start to get really terrified and thoughts of death consume me – holy shit, where do I go when I die! What’s going on, I was just feeling happy? The fear comes in. I want to run and I’m now dreading this stupid fucking meditation…
Jay walks in (Someone I work with. When he realizes that I’m meditating, he goes into the the other room.)
…ah-ha it’s him, that’s why I feel so scared and terrified. Those are his feelings that I’m feeling. My codependency floods in. Oh no, he’s scared and he’s afraid to die. I want to take care of him. This feeling of terror is too intense. I also want to eat, smoke, drink and have sex. Anything to get this feeling away from me.
And then I realize that this feeling of terror originates in me. He may or may not be experiencing this energy but I do know that I have it. Ah-ha! My ugly codependent truth exposes itself: I believe I can get rid of this feeling by taking care of him. Then the truth hits me: I alone get to sit through this one. Then I want to eat more. I’m not overly happy with this realization: that time and time again I “take care” of others in order to move focus away from my own feelings, and in doing so, my needs and my relationship with myself.
The meditation ends.